What Even Is a Mid-Life Crisis?

About a week ago, my husband asked me a seemingly innocent question. What did you dream about doing when you were a kid? To my surprise, I became pretty emotional. I began to feel a rush of sorrow. Prior to this, I had been having a completely normal day. I wasn't sad, I wasn't upset. I was just running errands, making sure my son was doing his homework, figuring out what we should make for dinner, that sort of thing. That question hit me like a shot in the heart. I didn't even know how to respond.

My husband quickly realized that I was starting to feel upset, and began to express concern. Of course he didn't assume that this innocuous question was the cause of my emotional shift. He asked me if he had done something, or if something had happened. I quickly told him no, but that I didn't want to discuss it. There were things that needed to be done, and I didn't have the time for this unneccessary emotional reaction. Plus, why did it even bother me that much?

As the week wore on, I felt that question sitting with me. It was like a parasite that had attached itself to me and wouldn't let go. Why was this bothering me so much? My husband asked me a few days later if I was ok, and why the question had upset me. I told him very quickly that it isn't an easy thing to realize that not one dream you had as a child has come to fruition. Of course I am sure you are thinking that most people dream of being astronauts or something as children, and that of course most people don't achieve that. But my dreams were different. My dreams were attainable.

Most of what I dreampt of when I was young, was traveling the world. I wanted to see and experience everything. I had a book called "1,000 Places to See Before You Die". I read it constantly. I started to determine an order in which I wanted to see them. I asked myself if I would be willing to go to some of the more dangerous regions of the world. I decided that yes, in fact I would. I am not an inherently brave or adventurous person, so this was a surprising revelation.

As I got older, had a husband and a child, I continued to ask myself that question. I determined that yes, I would go to some of those more dangerous regions still. I just decided that it would be best to wait until my child was grown and secure before I did. I never actually stopped to consider the possibility that it may never happen. Until my husband's question.

Now I have of course traveled some. Not a ton, but more than a lot of people. I am thankful and appreciative of this. I have also decided as I am getting older that I am not quite as ambitious as I was in my youth. I for instance, really appreciate a bathroom with indoor plumbing. I also know that my body detests dry environments, and chooses to punish me if I choose to go to the desert or in the mountains. So I have adjusted my dreams, because I know that I don't actually want to traipse around the Sahara. I do however, want to go on Safari! (I know it's dry too, but sacrifices must be made to see the elephants).

I also wanted to make a REAL impact on the world. I wanted to change the world for the better. I wanted to leave it a better place than when I got here. I wasn't exactly sure what that looked like. I of course when I was very young, considered being the first female president (This is something that should have happened long before I was old enough to be president). I didn't have to get very old before I realized I didn't really want that job. I did however consider politics, but I always hated the pandering. I would love to work in politics and help to make things better. I hate that the way most people get elected is by shaking hands and kissing babies. It feels so artificial, and I am not that. I have often said, I don't doubt my ability to do the job of political office, I just don't know how I would ever get elected.

As I reflect on these unfulfilled dreams, I find myself at a crossroads. I spent decades of my life running my family's business. A business that we were forced to close. My career went from being my choice when to leave, or shift paths, to having that chosen for me. Our family has been through more tragedy and difficulties than I thought I would ever experience in my lifetime. But I am still here.

I do not know what the future holds for me. I do find myself in my 40's, trying to decide my intentions for the next few precious decades. I think maybe, a mid-life crisis is realizing just how precious those decades really are.